Two Centuries Later, We’re in the Same War

Mitt Romney calls Gingrich “zany” and “unreliable.” Newt Gingrich calls Romney “a liar.”

Lo and behold, the War of 2012.

That’s right; precisely 200 years ago, America was fighting the War of 1812 in replica of what the two most popular Republican candidates are facing.

Newt Gingrich is Britain: the Mother country had been around longer and looked down upon America as a weak, inferior land. Sealing a spot as Representative of Georgia for twenty years and Speaker of the House during President Clinton’s term, Gingrich has an overwhelmingly large advantage experience-wise over Romney.

Mitt Romney plays the role of America; he’s both strong and vulnerable, and his salary is giving him a disadvantage. America couldn’t pay for troops’ supplies — Britain practically laughed at their money problems. Inversely, Romney has too much money. When the country discovered his 15% tax rate, the media exploded! Mitt has used Bain Capital to receive more money but pay less tax. It’s legal, but seems unfair. You can’t help but ask: if Romney’s tax returns are legal, why won’t he release them?

Is Mittens Romney a fraud?

His Super PAC friends keep Romney equipped with all the money he needs, in case Bain Capital backs out. Newt, not daring to take off his crown, laughs at Romney’s secretiveness while publicly pressuring him to release his tax returns.

Let’s take another look at Newt’s position. At the CNN Debate this past Thursday, John King started the night inquiring about the open-marriage Gingrich asked his ex-wife for. Gingrich was extremely offended, red in the face, and yelled at King — on air. He blocked his personal life from his political, and wouldn’t accept any more questions about it. I viewed his outrage uncalled for, but the United States saw it as strong defense from a Republican candidate. Britain created the Navigation Acts about a century before the war which didn’t allow America to trade with any country other than Britain. Romney’s huge lead over the other candidates seemed untouchable — that is, until Gingrich got his head in the game. He basically told Romney, “I won’t let you gain any more supporters, but you can lose some by sending them to me.”

Sound familiar?

The Treaty of Ghent ended the War of 1812, but didn’t declare a winner. Politics is just slightly different; the victor of this will take on the Red and Blue War against President Obama later this year. America would have been defeated in 1812 if it wasn’t for their alliance with France, which is a coincidence because — don’t forget — Mitt Romney speaks French.